he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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