i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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