If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
