fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
