just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
