GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
