i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
