Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
