I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
not ubering you a puppy
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
