I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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