I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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