Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
