As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
