I cut my penus on the lid.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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