I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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