My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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