Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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