Your face is a jimmy john
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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