you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He has the fingertips of a God
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