end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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