So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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