Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
