If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
