i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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