I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
