just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
