I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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