Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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