he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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