Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My balls are so social today.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize