Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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