My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
