Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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