My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
