I wish my penis had an off switch
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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