Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize