I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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