I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
