apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
