Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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