I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
if only i could text you this smell
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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