it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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