My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
