I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
