Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize