On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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