i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
