In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
