I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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