Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Randomize
