Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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