I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize