I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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