Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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