I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
