Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
