you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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