Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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